I just want to know want constitutes "being fake"? Yea...a girl can have fake hair, fake nails, and fake [insert almost any anatomical body part here]. However, that doesn't make a person. Except, I prefer it when a girl's fake goods look real...so real, in fact, that I can't tell it's fake. But when I'm asking about fake, I'm asking about the fake everyone claims everyone else is. I don't know, I just see a lot of people running around convinced that they are so "real". And maybe they are, I guess it all depends on their definition of real and fake.
In my opinion, real does not mean
Yelling at the top of your lungs at every given moment
Sighing audibly and rolling my eyes when I encounter someone I have formerly had issues with
Jumping stupid every time I feel wronged
Being down right rude
I don't know...someone out there is convinced that I can't be a "real, black girl" if I don't do the aforementioned. I can sometimes deal with loudness, but I don't like it. If I see someone I had an altercation with, I will just keep walking as if I'm passing a stranger in the street. And sometimes I smile at strangers, so that just might happen. If I feel wronged, I'll try to explain how I feel to the person in a way I think they'll understand. And when did manners equal fake? I feel like it takes a lot of work to hold a grudge. Yes, I remember why we fought. No, I don't feel the need to revisit that anger every time I see you. Plus, while would I let YOU ruin my day? I have so much other stuff that can ruin my day a lot better than you, trust me.
I don't know. I just don't like being angry. I don't like bad blood. I don't like burning bridges. So if trying to salvage some kind of common courtesy between us equals fake...so be it.
My go to song-->Through With Love by Destiny's Child
I know the title seems harsh, but it's not what it seems. I'm not some angry black female swearing off love and black men because of a few bad experiences. Those experiences were directly proportional to where I was in regards to my emotional and mental maturity. I feel like this song represents the metamorphosis I have undergone with respects to emotional, mental, and spiritual levels.
I'm glad I finally found God's love and that it has come to be enough for me, because I would compromise myself for the love of a man. I have had boyfriends (yes two, it's like they read the same handbook) constantly tell me about their type and never described me, mention how their friends said they downgraded when they got with me, and tell me I wasn't the prettiest girl they could have. To me it all sounded like they wanted me to be grateful that they would even consider talking to me. I hated it but I loved them, so like a child desperate for her parent's approval, I acted out. Sometimes I acted out because I wanted positive attention, sometimes I wanted to feel pretty, other times I wanted to hurt them as much as I was hurting (hurt people, hurt people and I'm sorry). To make a long story short, in the end I was the one most devastated. That's where Michelle's line comes in.
My absolute favorite verse: "Why do I feel so empty? I’m crying out for some stability Destroy my many insecurities I'm breaking down somebody pray for me Need a love like no other not an ordinary love Restore my joy, wisdom and courage Lord I need your love I found a new love, I found new, found a new love I finally found it in God"
Now, I'm so good. I am cool with both of the exes. I know one day they'll be great at relationships and make excellent husbands, just not for me. I don't feel the need to act out for male attention and I feel a lot better about myself. When I look back and see where God has brought me from, I am just really thankful. Yet, I look forward and know I still have such a long way to go.
That's what Texas is called...The Lone Star State. Basically, Texas can stand alone. Texans are strong and our colors run true. And if you're wondering why I'm spouting off all of this random, prideful talk about Texas, it is because that is how I was socialized. I would say no matter where you are from, you learned to take pride in your state even if we do all make up one country (Even if you might be a nobody state--that's when your major city is more famous than the state). Texas is number one...point blank period.
And I love my state, but as I am looking at pharmacy schools I notice something else. Texas is one cocky, self-absorbed state...lol.
I am currently in the process of completing some pharmacy pre-requisites. Each pharmacy school has their own requirements, but I'm looking for ones that are nearly the same as the pre-requisites I am already completing. Out of all the schools in the country I have three pharmacy schools...and Texas is getting in the way of me getting more (along with anatomy/physiology and statistics). Texas wants people to take a U.S. and Texas History course...lol. I could have sworn I took that in the 7th grade. They really make sure they only accept in state pharmacy students, because I checked my course catalog and Howard University is not offering a course purely about Texas history.
It's ok...I still love my state. "The stars at night are big and bright...DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS" (But not really in Houston because the city lights outshine the stars)
I'm not even a big fan of twitter, but I felt like this was a hashtag (#) moment
#ilikedyouuntil you told me you stopped liking me because I was Christian. #areyouforreal
I was originally upset when this dude I was checking for, up and left school. We were just friends, but that is the first step to becoming more. And I was open to becoming more. But he left, so more than friends was off the table (insert reminder for post on long distance relationships...lol). Still though, he wanted to know about the feelings I had and he wanted to share the feelings he had about me.
Since I'm on this new honesty is the best policy bit, I told him that sometimes I liked him and sometimes I didn't. And when I did like him, I wasn't sure if it was for him or for the potential he held (potential boyfriend). What he told me absolutely shocked me...
He told me that he originally liked me, but his feelings began to diminish because I was Christian and he wasn't and he didn't like feeling like he needed to convert!!! Note: I had a list of reasons in my head of why he would stop liking me:
I can talk a lot, sometimes about nothing at all;
I'm stubborn;
Sometimes I don't talk enough;
I can be very literal
none of them included my religion
At first this really pissed me off, but then I thought about how God works. He definitely stopped something before it got too serious.
That's what my mom, my friends, and good ol' Madea said people are here for. People are here for a season and for a reason.
I like that phrase, but I think I like the tree metaphor better. People in your life are leaves, branches, or roots.
Leaves are only around for a season. They change when the weather changes. Branches seem pretty solid. Some branches are strong enough to support you. But be careful because if you step on the wrong branch, it might break right from under you and you never saw it coming. Roots are the life of the tree. Without the roots, nothing else could grow.
I'm thankful for the roots God has placed in my life, but I feel like I have room for a couple more. I'm excited to see who God brings into my life next. Maybe they can become a root. At the same time, I hate saying goodbye and letting people go. But that is inevitable because not everyone that enters your life is meant to stay in it (Sad Truth #1). I'm not so good at everything emotional; although, my friends and family will beg to differ. Ugh...I'm actually going to miss you even though you got on my everlasting nerve...lol.
When I was younger, there was a hierarchy among the children of the family. The oldest held the most power and the youngest was usually the scapegoat. For years, I was the youngest and I endured so much torture during that time (locked in closets, stuffed in boxes, left in ditches etc...). And before I understood the politics of the family (what happens among the kids stays among the kids), I was a......TATTLE-TALE!!!
The thing about me though was that if I decided to tell someone something, they got the WHOLE TRUTH. Otherwise, I was a half-truth teller and some may call that a liar. I just figured that if I was deciding to bring in an outside party into my affairs, they needed to know everything so that they could hand out judgment accordingly. So a conversation might go like this:
Me-Just listen. I hit Cookie. Then she kicked me. So I hit her again. Then she threw a metal car at me and it hit me in my eye. Adult-Stop trying to get people in trouble. Don't blame it all on Cookie. What did you do? Me-(in my head)Didn't she just hear the story (out loud)I told you what I did. I hit her, but all she had to do was hit me back. She didn't have to kick me.
So after this exchange, the adults were free to take sides as they pleased.
That's still how I operate today. When people ask me questions that I'm not ready to share the answer to I'll do 3 things:
1. Change the subject [usually people bring it back to the question]2. Say "I don't want to tell you now. Just wait" [People are impatient so they demand an answer]3. Tell a half truth [I actually toned down on this part because people get a little upset with half truths, but on my defense I did try the first 2 steps and they kept prodding]
However when I make the decision that I'm going to reveal information to a person, I tell everything and I mean EVERYTHING. Including what I did. I usually start with what I did first. I'm not for creating "bad guys"...no not at all. People choose sides on their own and there have been plenty of instances when they don't choose my side especially because I'm not always innocent. That's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.
Basically, I'm tired of girls complaining about what boy did them wrong when they won't explain what they did to create the situation. And it annoys the heck out of me when boys play the victim of some female when he helped make the circumstance.[There may be very special instances where one party is totally 100% inculpable, but that is rare]
In the end, it's about taking responsibility and owning up to your mistakes. It's about meaning what you say. If you tell someone, "I forgive you"...forgive them. Don't hold the past over their head like anvil. The most important thing is to figure out WHY you did something if you don't want it to happen again. You can't fix behavior when you don't know why or where you learned it.
But if you aren't prepared to tell all...then STOP SNITCHING!!
