Elevator Side-Eye

I know you know what I'm talking about. The "Elevator Side-eye" is the look people give someone who takes the elevator from the first floor ALL THE WAY to the second floor. Or the second floor to the third floor. You get the point. It the look reserved for people that take the elevator up ONE floor. Now, you would think that I am writing this post to bash all the "One Floor Ellies" (People that take the elevator up one floor), but I'm not. This post is about the ignorant Elevator Side-eye givers. Now the term ignorant is not to be derisive at all. It is merely a correct adjective used to describe these Elevator Side-eye givers. They are ignorant. They think this person is taking the elevator merely because he or she is lazy. Even if he or she were, it is their right. The elevator is here for all to use and you are going to get to where you need to be.
Anyway, here are just a few things an Elevator Side-eye giver might be ingnorant of:

• The stairwell door leading to the floor I need to get to is LOCKED. Meaning I either stop one floor below it and ride the elevator up or I stop one floor above it and ride the elevator down. Either way, I'm riding ONE FLOOR!!
• I walked to the Metro, stood on my feet for 6 hours at work, and walked from the Metro to my dorm. I walked up the stairs leading from the front door to the levels with the elevators and I don't feel like taking any more stairs.
• I just got done working out. I'm freaking tired.
• According to my dorm manager, I am not allowed to use the stairs that lead me DIRECTLY to my dorm room. The other stairs that lead me to my room are unneccesarily far. I'm not taking those unless I'm feeling energetic.

I just get so annoyed. I understand that Elevator Side-eye givers can get frustrated if they live on the 7th floor and people stop on EVERY floor. I get it. But seriously, it's an elevator. You're going to get to where you're going, but slower than you would have if you would have run up the stairs. You've seen it in movies #comeonson. When the good guys run up the stairs, they usually catch up to the bad guy in the elevator. So if you are in such a rush, run up the stairs to your destination. Trust me. I've done it. It's much faster.

Adultolescence

The sociologist call it "Transitional Adulthood" aka "Adultolescence". This is the stage where we are no longer children, but we aren't quite adults yet. Our world is still slightly sheltered and our world is somehow realer than it was before but still faker than the world we'll come to know. This stage, like adolescence, is marked by growth, change, or maybe stunted growth. For me, it was during adolescence that I reached my highest height (5'1 and a 1/4). Luckily though, for most, psychological growth is not limited to the duration of physical growth.
At the same time, that fact scares me. The fact that people can and will change in accordance to their circumstances. When we were all where we were, roles were concrete and situations were predictable even if we were having "adventure time". Despite the spontaneity of the event, we knew who would react how. We just knew and there is nothing more comforting than knowing.
Now...I don't know. Or I'm not sure. Our paths have diverged and our personalities have finally had the chance to evolve independently of each other and I wonder if they are still compatible. Sometimes, it seems they're not. I hear you speak and I imagine your actions and I picture a stranger and I don't like it. It doesn't matter that I don't like it though, because perhaps this has always been who you were, but out relationship stifled your manifestation. I imagine you listening to me speak and wondering the same thing. I confide in you the deridation of others' actions, yet they are actions that you, yourself, commit. And I imagine you thinking when did I become this person. When did we stop being able to finish each other's sentences and when did we stop being able to read each other's mind and when did choosing a birthday gift become a guessing game? It's not to say that who we are now is bad or somehow worse than who we were, it's just different. So different, in fact, it's difficult to picture it ever being the same.

Back At It Again

Back in school. Busier than ever. I like it. I love it. I hate it. I'm scared.
I like it because it gives me something to do everyday.
I love it because it makes me feel better about myself, my goals, and my purpose.
I hate it because I'm a sluggard at heart and it takes every ounce of my being to not do nothing.
I'm scared because it requires me to be a person either I've never been or I've lost.
All this work I have requires me to be prepared, organized, assertive and diligent.
I've rarely had to prepare to get ahead. I'm smart and knowledge always came easy.
Not anymore. I have to study. I have to prepare.
I've been so-so on the organization front.
I've never been assertive.
And diligent is a word others would use to describe me.
I wouldn't use it on myself.
I've seen diligence and it is not me...yet.
Honestly, academic things came easy to me. They just fell in my lap because I was top of my class.
In college, nearly everyone was top of their class so the playing field is leveled.
But I've never practiced. I am learning the rules now. As I go...better now than later when I am really and truly thrust into the real world.

Oldest Child

The oldest child doesn't really have the luxury of being a child.
I guess you can call me lucky, because I got a taste of the good life.
My mom made enough money so that I never had to work.
But at the same time, we were always one paycheck away from poverty.
She has no savings, no retirement, no 401K.
She just has this paycheck.
And the next paycheck.
And the one after that.
But then she had a heart attack...
Yes, I was a child, but I wasn't so ignorant.
I had my allowance.
Lucky me.
Saved up just for this rainy day.
And I bought groceries.
And I paid bills.
I signed permission slips
and paid for field trips.
And my mom was a trooper.
A soldier of life.
Up and working for that next paycheck
before they cut off the lights.
And it hurt her.
I could see it.
So it hurt me.
There is nothing worse than to feel helpless.
Unable to stop the pain of the person you love most in the world.
And I looked for work.
But she stopped my search.
"Focus on school." she said, "That's your job"
And I did what she told me.
Because an oldest child does not disobey her mother.
And I got paid for my job.
And I saved from my job.
And my mom was out of a job.
Heart attack number 2.

To be continued///I just felt like writing this little piece. There is so much more to the story, of course. Oldest children of single parents can relate. That's just one aspect. I keep trying to find the strength to tell my full story, but where I'm from "Our business stays our business." I know it can help someone. But every time I think of writing more of the truth, I feel like I'm betraying someone.

Change (n.)- To make different

According to my go to site Dictionary.com, change means to become different. That makes sense. That's a common word I believe more than most English speakers understand.
With that in mind, I pose a question to my readers...

Question: If two people both changed, that means they are different people right? So, in a sense they are strangers. In that case, they would need to be reacquainted with each other because any interactions would probably be based on the people each remember the other to be.

That's my logic on the subject and it applies largely to those relationship that ended on a sour note, not necessarily those that just simply faded away. With relationships like friendships that just didn't continue because school or life, in general, caused separation, I can understand the attempt to just jump back into the old routine.

I am a different person now than I was in middle school. Sadly, my best friend from middle school and I aren't the absolute closest. But when we do get together, it's like time and space fold together to mend that stretch of time we weren't together. The reason that works is because the people we've become are not so fantastically different than who we were that we can't be friends. Plus, the people we were didn't cause unnecessary strife and drama in each others' lives.

I am different person now than I was with either of my exes. They have changed as well. We are merely acquaintances. Information they probably knew then, like my favorite color, is possibly outdated. We hardly know each other. I won't just jump into the "old swing of things", because if the change is drastic then I need to get to know you again. But if you haven't changed that much, then I really need to tread lightly because who you were was not healthy for me.
If I've changed as much as I like to think I have then I'll be able to put on the breaks when things are moving too fast or begin to mirror the old times and I be able to steer this relationship in the right direction.

Paper-Doll Cutout Love

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Surprisingly, it wasn't all about relationships. It was mostly about my laziness and lack of passion for almost anything. I'm thinking writing might be one, but we'll see in due time.
However, I've noticed a theme with this blog. So, in keeping with that theme (for now) I would like to writing a little something about love. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I know enough.
I know that, for one, God is love and without Him you cannot experience properly. You can argue me about this point 'til Kingdom come, but I'd rather you get on board before that point in time.
Secondly, I know that people can express the same love in different ways. Hitting or abuse in any form is not one of those ways. Let's clear that up before hand. Love should make you feel loved and not like a burden. Love doesn't try to make you feel like you are undeserving of it. So if you're experiencing any of that, just know it's not love.

Love is doing the little things that cater to the idiosyncrasies to your significant other

Now for me, "significant other" is more than just your boyfriend or girlfriend. For the sake of this post, it can be your mother, brother, best friend, or anyone receiving the love you're referring to.

Charmed is like one of my favorite shows and Phoebe made a list of what she would want in a man. The only one I can remember right now is "A man who hates my brand of cereal so that there is always some for me." It prompted me to think of non-physical attributes that I would like in a man. I was just thinking...what can a man do for me that would convince me that he loved me?

Like the bolded portion above states, it would have to be the little things. I know this because people like my mom and best friend love me and they show it by catering to my weirdness.
My best friend does a silly penguin dance to help me calm my nerves.
My mom lets me know anytime Happy Feet or The Incredibles are on TV.
For me it's the small things that count and it should be the same for you.

Anyone can treat you like a "paper-doll cut out." Anyone can give you roses on Valentine's Day. Anyone can buy you jewelry. You don't have to be especially in-tune with a person to buy a box of chocolates and a card.
Me? I like roses, but I prefer Hibiscus or any flower with an extended stamen and large petals. Diamonds are nice, but I'm scared they might not be conflict-free. You'd be better off giving gold or some beautiful hand-made craft from the old-lady down the road. Did you make sure the chocolate didn't have any fruity filling? I dislike those with a passion. Oh, it's filled with caramel. Yes! My favorite! And good...the card isn't too touchy feely. It's hilarious...just the way I like it.

Love should be unconditional, but altered for the person you are giving it too. That's just how it should be to me. How should it be for you?

Ms. Patty Put-her-down

Ok...ok...so you notice that your ex-boyfriend and this new chick have been getting real internet-chummy. It seems as if she like every status he writes and he comments every picture she post. And it's not like you can completely ignore the situation especially if you have mutual friends.
What do you do to make yourself feel better and less like a non-cool lame? [FYI: There are multiple definitions of lame and the one I identify with would mean "unusual, awkward, weird, and a semi-loner]
I've noticed that most girls go into an unhealthy session of new-chick-bashing in order to make themselves feel better. I can't lie, I've been there and done that. Sometimes, a friend a join in, but I've learned that in the end...it didn't really do much.

Ms. Patty Put-her-down: Patty Put-her-down hates the new girl in her ex's life for one reason: the new girl is getting all the attention Patty once got. Now, Patty won't admit this. She'll claim not to care, but her true feelings show as she constantly criticizes the new girl's skin tone, skin, hair, smile, clothes, and statuses. The new girl can be as gorgeous as Aphrodite, but Patty HAS to find any flaw and constantly point it out. It's sickening and sad really.
It is no one's place but God's to judge beauty or the character of a relationship. Yet Patty just knows that the love isn't real. She just knows the girl is ugly and conceited and that her ex is only with her for one reason.

I think you would find it easier to simply be happy for the situation especially if the girl is beautiful. That means your ex has good taste.
You're constantly fishing for the perfect catch. Well now you know he's not it. Thank the girl, you are one-guy closer to finding the right one. Your search is a little easier.
If you are on the sentimental side like me, then you like a good romance. You're always happy with the leading guy and gal get together in the end. Just think of the situation as a movie starring your ex and his new girl. Awww...isn't it cute.
Don't worry, you'll have your lead role soon enough.
Basically remember,

If a relationship is destined to happen, it will happen.
Man cannot separate what God has joined together.

Really, if you find yourself working overtime to get and keep a guy's attention, then ya'll probably aren't meant to be together.
"If a guy treats you like he doesn't care about you, then he genuinely doesn't care about you. Point. Blank. Period."-He Just Not That Into You

Regrets...

How many of us have them?

AND BE HONEST!!!

I know the standard response to the aforementioned question is, "I don't have any regrets. I take every mistake as a learning experience. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing because it all made me stronger."
If that is really true, congratulations!! However, I don't feel like pretending any more.
*GASP* Allie, you're fake
Yea, yea, I like acting. It's something I do. I sometimes pretend things don't bother me and I pretend like I don't have regrets, but that stops now.

Please hold as I quickly scan over 19 years of life.....
Overall, I would say I have 3 regrets

Now, I wouldn't view these blunders as silly little mistakes like accidentally overfeeding the fish or sneaking boys into your house (ooh..I was a wild child...lol) If they were, I would probably shrug my shoulders and move on.
No, these three things are like hiccups in the throat of my life. I would do anything to make them go away. Stand on my head. Hold my breath for 10 seconds while swallowing. Drink gallons of water. But they remain.

I am very s l o w l y coming to terms with them all, but it isn't easy. The inner turmoil that comes with those regrets can wreck a life and I am constantly praying to God to calm my inner stormy seas.

I was a fool. Plain and simple.
Yes, I was wise in that I have never made those mistakes again, so I guess you can say I learned. But honestly...

A wise man learns from his mistakes. A wiser man learns from the mistakes of others.

I made mistakes that millions have made before me. I've read books about them. Saw movies about them. I was warned about them from one of the wisest women I know: my mother.
Still, I was hard-headed. Yet, still blessed because I would say God let me off with less that a slap on the wrist. He gave me more of a stern warning. So for that, I am blessed.
Anyway, the point is, it is ok to have regrets. Some people look at you as if you are a weakling for feeling sorry for your past. I say you're not weak for wanting to take back something that could potentially come back to bite you in the butt and destroy the person you've worked so hard to become. (person meaning friends, career, image, etc.)

Lady Limbo Bar

So in addition to having bouts of brilliance under the influence of nitrous oxide (laughing gas), I also seem to go into deep thought while on my daily run. This time as I rounded the corner, I began to think about relationships.
There's a surprise for you ~:sarcastic font:~
But seriously, hear me out...
This time I was thinking about standards and the patterns I've noticed among females my age. Of course this won't apply to every female; but if it's not you, then you probably know someone to which the following will be applicable.

Lady Limbo Bar: After a relationship, this lady will LOWER her standards instead of RAISE them in order to quickly secure another male.

Generally, this action comes from a fear of being alone. When a female is not in a relationship, everyone is always telling her how she needs a man.
"Girl, you need a boo"

"This next dude will get your mind off your ex dude"

"Oh...my bad...you DON'T have a boyfriend"
etc. etc...I'm sure you've heard many more

Basically, this world is not set up to make a female feel comfortable while she is single. Sadly, many people don't know how to make themselves comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. So, in an effort to feel like all is right with the world again Lady Limbo Bar will fall out of love only too fall in love again. It's almost instantaneous.
This last relationship was all wrong. There was no trust. She cheated. He cheated. He lied. Verbal and mental abuse. She lied. Control issues. Just everything was ALL WRONG!!!
But Lady Limbo Bar, won't take that relationship as a learning experience. She won't demand that the next man be honest and nurturing because he would take too long to find.

No offense men, but the number of men at our age willing to be in a monogamous relationship is very low. Those men are on the endangered species list or something. And it's understandable, we are young.

Waiting for a man to be ready for everything a real relationship entails might take some time. Lady Limbo Bar feels like time is running out. She rushes into everything and things generally end as quickly. Instead, she should take some time out to really analyze her past relationships. She should try to understand the parts her and her partner played in the demise of the relationship.

If you don't know your past, you are doomed to repeat it

And Lady Limbo Bar repeats it over and over again like Nelly and Tim McGraw because she refuses to take the time out to dissect it.
Don't be a Lady Limbo Bar

What Would You Do?

So I'm sitting here watching Primetime: What Would You Do? trying to figure out what I would do in these various situations:
1. Female waitress being accosted by her male manager
2. Coach abusing child athlete
3. Person can't afford prescription

Ok, so basically the premise of the show is what would you do to help these people in various situations. I can say that for every situation, I would want to help. I would genuinely want to help, but sometimes I lack that courage to stand up to strangers. You can ask my friends, I'm more likely to stand up to someone I sort of know including teachers when they are being really disrespectful. However, it is something about standing up to complete strangers, especially male figures, that shakes me. Some people would be afraid to admit it, but I get intimidated sometimes. That's just the first issue. The second issue is that I have an active imagination, so I seem to automatically go to worst case scenario. This is America and times are different (as if I ever knew any other). People are crazy!!!! Let me try to speak up for a waitress being sexually harassed at her job, the next thing I know someone is mad at me for getting her fired. Basically, it seems as if the world has taken a que from The Incredibles and have asked all the good samirtans to stay hidden.
What would you do?
Would you speak up?
Would you help?
Right now, I know I probably wouldn't be able to speak up, but someday I want the strength to be able to speak up for those who can't speak for themselves. That's my prayer for tonight.


Alexany <3

Back to Basics

Everything you do gets on my nerves. I don't hate you, but you make it difficult to love you. I don't require much. But I need the basic TLC...
That was my latest tweet on Twitter. And it is too real. After I have already admitted the absence of my father had a significant bearing on how I handle relationships, the problem still persists.
I'm starved for male attention.
And if you think, as a woman, you don't need it...think again.
Male attention doesn't necessarily mean I need every dude on my friend list to comment on my facebook pictures. I don't need random dudes calling me at all hours of the life. It might be nice, but that is not what I am after.
I just want all this attention from ONE male and the more I seek it, the less it is offered.
I am his only daughter.
How difficult can it be to spread the love?

I try hard not to let this one man affect how I view all men, but I'm telling you it's difficult. I can honestly tell you that there is not ONE man alive that I completely trust.
The men in my life have never shown up, abused me, assaulted me, lied to me, and abandoned me.
Now, I'm not actively looking for someone to break the cycle. Although I know one will break the mold one day.
I just don't want to care about it so much.
I don't want to think about it.
I don't want it to affect my happiness any longer.
And so I pray about it every day and every night.
If you're reading this, all I ask is that you pray about it too.

Thanks

Alexany <3

Let It Burn

That's what Usher says to do. He thinks I should let it burn.
And that isn't necessarily new to me.

Don't think I'm crazy, but....

I have burned pictures of exes before...lol. It wasn't on some voodoo ish. I'm really a semi-pyromaniac so I've burned a lot of stuff.

Not really helping my case...oh well

But that was a different ex with a different situation.
I don't know what to do with this one.

I sit on my bed, look around the room, and think about how I need to get rid of soooo much stuff.
Really it's too cramped. I have notes from middle school still around and I just finished my first year of college so you can imagine how much I need to dispose of.
So every now and then, I begin to remove items from a box and throw them into the trash.

BUT!!!!

Without fail, I run into pictures and poems.
I always contemplate about what to do with these nostalgic memories.
Mostly, I don't know what to do with the handwritten poetry.
I absolutely LOVE poetry.
But every time I read these poems, I am reminded of the triviality of human emotion and then I get pissed.
I guess I answered my own question. Why would you ever want to keep something around that pisses you off every time you run across it?
Usually, I just put the poems in a box, stuff the box in some obscure part of my room, forget about the box, find the box during a cleaning spree, revisit some unwanted memories and emotions, then I start back at 1 (Brian McKnight voice).
So this time, I'm going to tap into that maturity I developed while away at college and be smart about the situation.

I want God to have all of my heart, so that means letting go of the things that held it before.

Oohhh...I'm good...lol

Alexany <3

P.S.-"Get rid of" does not mean burn. However, that does sound tempting considering I haven't lit anything on fire in a long time....

Name Change

One day I will be satisfied with my blog.
Today is not that day.
Yesterday was also not that day.
Tomorrow isn't looking up either.

However, I am getting there. I believe I've changed my URL and blog name like ten times already. Oh well, as the author of said blog, I have the authority to make such executive choices. (AUTHORity...see that there...lol)
I really doubt anyone even cares considering this thing is more for me than anyone else. And if they do care, I always update the website on my facebook page.

Speaking of annoying, life-consuming, ever present social networking sites...I'm thinking about getting a twitter.
It's what all the youngins are playing on these days and I need to stay socially aware right? Ugh...I don't know. It could just be one more thing that allows me to be even more slightly psychotic than I already am. If I don't like it, I can always delete it right? (R.I.P. Myspace)

Welcome Back, Welcome Back!!

You know I LOVE that.
That being home. It feels good to be back in my city. A city with breathing room. DC is just so cramped, but it does make it easy when it comes to transportation. Everything is right where you need it and within walking distance.

My first year of college was a rocky one. I can honestly say that I hated college for about the first couple of months. I had plans. Plans fell through. I made new plans. Those plans failed. Overall, I just felt like I had no control. Which is not far from the truth. I just learned (I am still learning) to be ok with letting God have that control.

College is the place where change and grow. For better or for worse is up to the individual. I get upset when people say, "Oh, [insert name here] went to college and got all brand new"
Yes, [insert name here] did because that is what college is for. It is a chance to be a new and better person because you are not confined to the box outlined for you at home. All of a sudden, you realize that you have the ability to be whoever you want because these people don't know you. Sometimes that best thing for a person is a blank slate, Tabula Rasa.

Now that the first year is over, I'm excited for the next year. Pre-pharmacy club, iPals, work...I have a lot planned, but I know, from experience, that God can and often does alter these plans.

I Don't Believe Them Boys

I don't believe them boys
When they say they want intellect
I have a ton of that
But he left me for some bigger breast
Checklist in hand
I am more than qualified
"Oops one thing missing
You're not Aphrodite personified"
Wondering why I have so many issues
"Not good enough magazine" I'm tryna cancel my subscription
Say you want brains
But mere beauty is your obvious mission
He said if I gave him brains
Then he'd give me more attention
Daddy. Daddy wasn't there.
Austin Powers. Dr. Evil
The basics of self-esteem
Daddy didn't teach 'em
Fellas always asking "Where's a girl's self-respect?"
Out the door with her father
Or on the floor with her dress
Didn't want to go that far
But how else can I ensure your love?
Oh, I never can. Thanks operator for the 411
Wish I woulda known before I sucked you up.
Man you're a tricky beast
But I don't feel like no beauty
Man that beauty is a beast
In the form of a booty
Man I can't stand those Disney movies
Ok I lied. I love those films.
But they got me thinking
Why can't the men in my life be like them?
For you, I compromised my very essence
In a since, you can say I'm pissed
Matter fact, I'm incensed
More at you or myself?
That's a question I ponder
Cuz it's my fault.
My heart I let you launder.
Why am I such a fool?
Learn from your mistakes. Take 59
Took a few tries, but I think I got it right
Don't date a dude that refers to you as a "downgrade"
"But I love your brains"
Yea, I bet you do
Do you love hers too?
Or do you love her two?
I'm just saying from my experience
I don't believe them boys when they say they want intellect

Inspired By A Half Moon

Is that the Heavens smiling down on me?
Or is it my God
Sending down a frown on me?
Discontent with the way I've been living.
Uphill on a snowy mountain
No snow boots
I've been slipping.
I put my hands down to catch me when I fall.
But I'm reaching in the wrong direction
Relying on a misconception
I forgot about the one whose been there since my conception.
You see everyone's always telling me to trust no one.
They say in this world you can only count on one.
And in the midst of it all, they got me believing
That the one is myself. You see, them folks are deceiving.
I let myself down a lot times infinity.
Man, even I can't win with me.
Ya feeling me
I walk around here like a nun on drugs
Shhh...
I hope ya eyes are wide shut so you don't see me bug
-gin out. No doubt this act can be draining
Planned the perfect picnic then it's started raining
Seems nothing comes out just the way I want
I'm broken inside, but you believe the front
Quiet Christian girl with no obvious afflictions
Little do you know I have a hidden addiction
No it's not on sex, drugs, or alcohol
This problem is purely mental
Patience is that virtue I yet not possess
Stamina and trust have eluded me yet
I'm tired of playing, but I'm out of time outs
I got one more chance before I foul out
I look to my left and notice God bench riding
19 years playing by myself. I'm tired
Trust in the world
First class ticket to hell
Reach my hands up; don't wanna take this flight
God is in control now
I'm taking a break

Brother, Where Art Thou?

Sooo....I really need to be studying for a bio practicum I have tomorrow, but I was just overcome with emotion. I was on facebook just clicking around and I saw my brother changed his relationship status to "in a relationship".

I am just upset because this girl of his most likely knows him better than I do. She's probably known him longer than I have. I have this protective older sister syndrome, but is it even warranted? I couldn't tell you about my brothers' idiosyncrasies. I couldn't tell you what made them tick. I don't have any funny stories about their childhood. I don't have any childhood memories of them. I don't know if I can dictate how I feel right now. It's like that saying "blood is thicker than water" doesn't apply, because our blood has been diluted by nearly two decades of disconnect.

I love my brothers.
They make me smile.
Raised apart, but we're so much alike.
Now that they're in
They'll never escape my life.
They say a siblings bond is one unbreakable
They also say, don't believe everything they say
All I want is to experience that ease
That comes with knowing someone for years
But to get that, I guess I have to start...here.

Can People Change?

So...it's one of the age old questions. Can people really change? I know you've heard of phrases like, "once a cheater, always a cheater." But do you think they're actually true?

What I think-->Not completely true.

Why?--> Because everyone makes mistakes. Now, you get people that don't care about how their mistakes make other people feel...in that case, they won't change. But if you are like me, you've examined you actions and determined that you don't ever want to have to deal with the consequences to those actions again.

I guess you basically have to take it by a case by case basis. It's not fair to continuously punish someone for past actions, especially if they've shown no recent actions that deserve punishment.

Answer: People can and do change...constantly. For the better and for the worse.

Fake

I just want to know want constitutes "being fake"? Yea...a girl can have fake hair, fake nails, and fake [insert almost any anatomical body part here]. However, that doesn't make a person.
Except, I prefer it when a girl's fake goods look real...so real, in fact, that I can't tell it's fake.
But when I'm asking about fake, I'm asking about the fake everyone claims everyone else is. I don't know, I just see a lot of people running around convinced that they are so "real". And maybe they are, I guess it all depends on their definition of real and fake.

In my opinion, real does not mean

• Yelling at the top of your lungs at every given moment
• Sighing audibly and rolling my eyes when I encounter someone I have formerly had issues with
• Jumping stupid every time I feel wronged
• Being down right rude
  

I don't know...someone out there is convinced that I can't be a "real, black girl" if I don't do the aforementioned. I can sometimes deal with loudness, but I don't like it. If I see someone I had an altercation with, I will just keep walking as if I'm passing a stranger in the street. And sometimes I smile at strangers, so that just might happen. If I feel wronged, I'll try to explain how I feel to the person in a way I think they'll understand. And when did manners equal fake? I feel like it takes a lot of work to hold a grudge. Yes, I remember why we fought. No, I don't feel the need to revisit that anger every time I see you. Plus, while would I let YOU ruin my day? I have so much other stuff that can ruin my day a lot better than you, trust me.

I don't know. I just don't like being angry. I don't like bad blood. I don't like burning bridges. So if trying to salvage some kind of common courtesy between us equals fake...so be it.

Alexany <3 the Fake

Through With Love

My go to song-->Through With Love by Destiny's Child

I know the title seems harsh, but it's not what it seems. I'm not some angry black female swearing off love and black men because of a few bad experiences. Those experiences were directly proportional to where I was in regards to my emotional and mental maturity. I feel like this song represents the metamorphosis I have undergone with respects to emotional, mental, and spiritual levels.



I'm glad I finally found God's love and that it has come to be enough for me, because I would compromise myself for the love of a man. I have had boyfriends (yes two, it's like they read the same handbook) constantly tell me about their type and never described me, mention how their friends said they downgraded when they got with me, and tell me I wasn't the prettiest girl they could have. To me it all sounded like they wanted me to be grateful that they would even consider talking to me. I hated it but I loved them, so like a child desperate for her parent's approval, I acted out. Sometimes I acted out because I wanted positive attention, sometimes I wanted to feel pretty, other times I wanted to hurt them as much as I was hurting (hurt people, hurt people and I'm sorry). To make a long story short, in the end I was the one most devastated. That's where Michelle's line comes in.

My absolute favorite verse:
"Why do I feel so empty?
I’m crying out for some stability
Destroy my many insecurities
I'm breaking down somebody pray for me
Need a love like no other not an ordinary love
Restore my joy, wisdom and courage
Lord I need your love
I found a new love, I found new, found a new love
I finally found it in God"

Now, I'm so good. I am cool with both of the exes. I know one day they'll be great at relationships and make excellent husbands, just not for me. I don't feel the need to act out for male attention and I feel a lot better about myself. When I look back and see where God has brought me from, I am just really thankful. Yet, I look forward and know I still have such a long way to go.

Alexany <3

The Lone Star State

That's what Texas is called...The Lone Star State. Basically, Texas can stand alone. Texans are strong and our colors run true. And if you're wondering why I'm spouting off all of this random, prideful talk about Texas, it is because that is how I was socialized. I would say no matter where you are from, you learned to take pride in your state even if we do all make up one country (Even if you might be a nobody state--that's when your major city is more famous than the state). Texas is number one...point blank period.

And I love my state, but as I am looking at pharmacy schools I notice something else. Texas is one cocky, self-absorbed state...lol.

I am currently in the process of completing some pharmacy pre-requisites. Each pharmacy school has their own requirements, but I'm looking for ones that are nearly the same as the pre-requisites I am already completing. Out of all the schools in the country I have three pharmacy schools...and Texas is getting in the way of me getting more (along with anatomy/physiology and statistics). Texas wants people to take a U.S. and Texas History course...lol. I could have sworn I took that in the 7th grade. They really make sure they only accept in state pharmacy students, because I checked my course catalog and Howard University is not offering a course purely about Texas history.

It's ok...I still love my state. "The stars at night are big and bright...DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS" (But not really in Houston because the city lights outshine the stars)

Alexany <3

1:23 am

I was going to write a post about how I was feeling at 1:23 am (still cool right?<--ultimate insider)

But I didn't. I like this thing.

But nothing beats God, my Bible, a pen and a notebook.

If only you knew.

Alexany <3

#ilikedyouuntil

I'm not even a big fan of twitter, but I felt like this was a hashtag (#) moment

#ilikedyouuntil you told me you stopped liking me because I was Christian. #areyouforreal

I was originally upset when this dude I was checking for, up and left school. We were just friends, but that is the first step to becoming more. And I was open to becoming more. But he left, so more than friends was off the table (insert reminder for post on long distance relationships...lol). Still though, he wanted to know about the feelings I had and he wanted to share the feelings he had about me.

Since I'm on this new honesty is the best policy bit, I told him that sometimes I liked him and sometimes I didn't. And when I did like him, I wasn't sure if it was for him or for the potential he held (potential boyfriend). What he told me absolutely shocked me...

He told me that he originally liked me, but his feelings began to diminish because I was Christian and he wasn't and he didn't like feeling like he needed to convert!!!
Note: I had a list of reasons in my head of why he would stop liking me:

• I can talk a lot, sometimes about nothing at all;
  
• I'm stubborn;
  
• Sometimes I don't talk enough;
  
• I can be very literal

none of them included my religion

At first this really pissed me off, but then I thought about how God works. He definitely stopped something before it got too serious.

Alexany <3

For a Season and a Reason

That's what my mom, my friends, and good ol' Madea said people are here for. People are here for a season and for a reason.

I like that phrase, but I think I like the tree metaphor better. People in your life are leaves, branches, or roots.

Leaves are only around for a season. They change when the weather changes.
Branches seem pretty solid. Some branches are strong enough to support you. But be careful because if you step on the wrong branch, it might break right from under you and you never saw it coming.
Roots are the life of the tree. Without the roots, nothing else could grow.

I'm thankful for the roots God has placed in my life, but I feel like I have room for a couple more. I'm excited to see who God brings into my life next. Maybe they can become a root. At the same time, I hate saying goodbye and letting people go. But that is inevitable because not everyone that enters your life is meant to stay in it (Sad Truth #1). I'm not so good at everything emotional; although, my friends and family will beg to differ. Ugh...I'm actually going to miss you even though you got on my everlasting nerve...lol.

Alexany <3

Tattle-Tale Tell All

When I was younger, there was a hierarchy among the children of the family. The oldest held the most power and the youngest was usually the scapegoat. For years, I was the youngest and I endured so much torture during that time (locked in closets, stuffed in boxes, left in ditches etc...). And before I understood the politics of the family (what happens among the kids stays among the kids), I was a......TATTLE-TALE!!!

The thing about me though was that if I decided to tell someone something, they got the WHOLE TRUTH. Otherwise, I was a half-truth teller and some may call that a liar. I just figured that if I was deciding to bring in an outside party into my affairs, they needed to know everything so that they could hand out judgment accordingly.
So a conversation might go like this:

Me-Just listen. I hit Cookie. Then she kicked me. So I hit her again. Then she threw a metal car at me and it hit me in my eye.
Adult-Stop trying to get people in trouble. Don't blame it all on Cookie. What did you do?
Me-(in my head)Didn't she just hear the story (out loud)I told you what I did. I hit her, but all she had to do was hit me back. She didn't have to kick me.

So after this exchange, the adults were free to take sides as they pleased.

That's still how I operate today. When people ask me questions that I'm not ready to share the answer to I'll do 3 things:

1. Change the subject [usually people bring it back to the question] 2. Say "I don't want to tell you now. Just wait" [People are impatient so they demand an answer] 3. Tell a half truth [I actually toned down on this part because people get a little upset with half truths, but on my defense I did try the first 2 steps and they kept prodding]

However when I make the decision that I'm going to reveal information to a person, I tell everything and I mean EVERYTHING. Including what I did. I usually start with what I did first. I'm not for creating "bad guys"...no not at all. People choose sides on their own and there have been plenty of instances when they don't choose my side especially because I'm not always innocent. That's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

Basically, I'm tired of girls complaining about what boy did them wrong when they won't explain what they did to create the situation. And it annoys the heck out of me when boys play the victim of some female when he helped make the circumstance.[There may be very special instances where one party is totally 100% inculpable, but that is rare]

In the end, it's about taking responsibility and owning up to your mistakes. It's about meaning what you say. If you tell someone, "I forgive you"...forgive them. Don't hold the past over their head like anvil. The most important thing is to figure out WHY you did something if you don't want it to happen again. You can't fix behavior when you don't know why or where you learned it.

But if you aren't prepared to tell all...then STOP SNITCHING!!

Alexandny <3

Payable On Death [P.O.D.]

If you asked me what music I liked to listen to, I would immediately shout "Trey Songz" with a big grin across my face. I don't know it's something about his sound that really gets to me. I absolutely L-O-V-E his songs, Be Where You Are, Jupiter Love and Wonderwoman. I keep him on repeat when I'm really going through some ish. I even have my little saying [I'm done with Martians. I want that Jupiter Love]. But this post isn't about how much I love Trey.

After I stopped gushing about Trey and you asked me what's my next favorite music is, I wouldn't be able to really tell you. I like just about everything. R&B, neo-soul, pop, alternative, and ROCK!!
That's what this post is about.

I was watching TV and a commercial for The Edge Rock Album came on. I'm in the process of widening my music library so I started to write down as many rock artist as I could. You know how they do that little scrolling thing...so yea. Yesterday, I went to download [Alive by P.O.D.] and I found out something really interesting. P.O.D. aka Payable On Death is a Christian rock band.

WHO KNEW!!! [If you did...kudos, cuz I sure didn't]

I don't know. I just really liked that fact, especially because I like their music. You might too. Check it out. [Then go listen to some Trey...lol]

AlexandNy <3

Something Like Chipotle :-/

I have never met so many people that were so in love with Chipotle. You know, that place with the HUGE burritos, burrito bowls, and the best chips ever!!! Before going to school, I had only been once and since I'm from Houston I guess that's a crime...lol. It turns out not everyone has multiple Chipotle(s) within blocks of each other...oh well.

Well, the nearest Chipotle to me is a metro or shuttle ride away and sometimes eating there isn't feasible. So what my lovely school concocted is some type of Chipotle-esque feeding station known as Southwest Station. Southwest has all the ingredients necessasry to make a good Chipotle-like burrito so people get in line expecting to get a something that tastes somewhat similar.

"Yea, give me some rice, chicken, salsa, lettuce, and cheese" They'll make it however you like. They'll put in on the grill and then present you with good-looking burrito. You're about to have the best meal of your life...THEN...you take a bite. *Side-glance* Something just ain't right here. I thought it would taste something like Chipotle.

Well, you thought wrong. SOOOO...wrong. And I see that people use that same misguided thought process when it comes to the opposite sex.

Let's say your desires for a mate include "Christian, smart, conversational, and self-sufficient" and you'll find him or her down the street and around the corner. I'll see people go along with "kinda Christian, smart, no conversation, and needy" just because he or she is right next door. SMH!!! The "kinda Christian" and Southwest station both have the ingredients necessary to be the most awesomest thing ever, but right now something is missing. What is it? That's not for you to figure out, it's more like a personal problem and you'll give yourself a headache trying to fix the issue.

We complain about these nasty burritos, but Chipotle is just down the street. We are too lazy to go there right now, so we settle. And because we make the conscious decision to settle we shouldn't complain about what we don't have.

You have to work to get what you want. Everyone knows that (if you didn't, now you do). If you want Chipotle, you have to get up and take yourself to Chipotle. If you want a party girl, you have to get up and take yourself to a party. If you want an intelligent girl, go to class...trust me she'll be there. If you want a girl who is immersed in Christ, you have to be in Christ yourself.

Of course, you won't need everything you want and you won't want everything you need. But the point is to get anything worthwhile, you'll have to get up and go get it. "...faith without work is dead" {James 2:20}

AlexandNy <3

Got My Cheat Sheet

The one who says he resides in God ought to walk as Jesus walked {1 John 2:6}<---This is the basis of my little cheat sheet. Looking back at it now, it does just seem to be the making of a good person. Oh well...at least now I know what I'm working to be like.

1. Kind-hearted
   
2. Empathetic
3. Full of grace
4. Forgiving

They seem easy enough, but if you live in the real world then you know it's not so simple. For me, I feel like I have issues with forgiving.

"You must put away every kind of bitterness, anger, wrath, quarreling, and evil slanderous talk. Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you" {Ephesians 4:31-32}

I have some bitterness inside of me, that I have been holding onto since I was 4. It is really hard for me to get over betrayals. I'm not talking about "she took the boy I liked and she knew I liked him". I'm talking about deep "I trusted you with all of my heart because you are family and you broke that" betrayal. It honestly ruined my ability to trust people in general and I'm just now realizing that. I'm too old to still be blaming someone else for my issues though.

On another note...I'm contemplating how deep and personal to get with this thing. I've read other blogs and I appreciate the glimpse I get into their inner thoughts, but that may not work for me. I don't think it did the first time around. At the same time, I explain things better in writing than I do in talk so maybe people could understand me better through this thing.

I think I need to write out the bitterness I've been holding onto since I was 4.

AlexandNy <3

Ground Zero (0) ---> I Timothy 5:13

Ok this isn't my first time at the rodeo, but this time I feel like I have more direction. My first blog seemed to work as my personal diary and that was a huge mistake on my part. This time around I want to write about things I've encountered by simply living. This will help me discern where I need to focus my attention as it relates to the Lord, the Bible and my growth.
Another reason I'm writing this is because "A person who doesn't have something particular to occupy himself with doing will be tempted to occupy himself with sin."
Ok...no this phrase is not quoted word for word in the Bible, but its basis comes from [I Timothy 5:13] which states "And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not."
I am a bit of a busybody (not in the secular song way though...lol). I just have a tendency to try to take things into my own hands and do things I shouldn't do when my mind is idle and unfocused. This is the start of something new and hopefully productive and helpful.

AlexandNy <3