Back At It Again

Back in school. Busier than ever. I like it. I love it. I hate it. I'm scared.
I like it because it gives me something to do everyday.
I love it because it makes me feel better about myself, my goals, and my purpose.
I hate it because I'm a sluggard at heart and it takes every ounce of my being to not do nothing.
I'm scared because it requires me to be a person either I've never been or I've lost.
All this work I have requires me to be prepared, organized, assertive and diligent.
I've rarely had to prepare to get ahead. I'm smart and knowledge always came easy.
Not anymore. I have to study. I have to prepare.
I've been so-so on the organization front.
I've never been assertive.
And diligent is a word others would use to describe me.
I wouldn't use it on myself.
I've seen diligence and it is not me...yet.
Honestly, academic things came easy to me. They just fell in my lap because I was top of my class.
In college, nearly everyone was top of their class so the playing field is leveled.
But I've never practiced. I am learning the rules now. As I go...better now than later when I am really and truly thrust into the real world.

Oldest Child

The oldest child doesn't really have the luxury of being a child.
I guess you can call me lucky, because I got a taste of the good life.
My mom made enough money so that I never had to work.
But at the same time, we were always one paycheck away from poverty.
She has no savings, no retirement, no 401K.
She just has this paycheck.
And the next paycheck.
And the one after that.
But then she had a heart attack...
Yes, I was a child, but I wasn't so ignorant.
I had my allowance.
Lucky me.
Saved up just for this rainy day.
And I bought groceries.
And I paid bills.
I signed permission slips
and paid for field trips.
And my mom was a trooper.
A soldier of life.
Up and working for that next paycheck
before they cut off the lights.
And it hurt her.
I could see it.
So it hurt me.
There is nothing worse than to feel helpless.
Unable to stop the pain of the person you love most in the world.
And I looked for work.
But she stopped my search.
"Focus on school." she said, "That's your job"
And I did what she told me.
Because an oldest child does not disobey her mother.
And I got paid for my job.
And I saved from my job.
And my mom was out of a job.
Heart attack number 2.

To be continued///I just felt like writing this little piece. There is so much more to the story, of course. Oldest children of single parents can relate. That's just one aspect. I keep trying to find the strength to tell my full story, but where I'm from "Our business stays our business." I know it can help someone. But every time I think of writing more of the truth, I feel like I'm betraying someone.